Celebrate!

I wish you were here
to see the things I’ve done
you’d be so proud of your son
I wish you were here
to celebrate with me

Jamie Foxx has this song - I wish you were here. It is to his grandmother, who died just before he won his Oscar. It talks about how she prepared him for that moment and he wishes she was still here to share it with him. I remember when the song came out, I instantly liked it, but it made me sad at the same time. I never had anyone like that in my life. I guess the closest I have come is my grandfather but he died when I was 6, so I never had the opportunity to make him proud. Every time I hear the song, I search through the memory library in my head for that one person that encouraged me and showed me UNCONDITIONAL love and I come up wanting every time.

                                           

I’ve been asked why I find it difficult to ask for help. Recently a family practice has been brought to the light. That would be the Big SCORESHEET. Each of my family members’ has a scoresheet like a bedsheet. They have to fold it up for it to be put away neatly but they are quick to whip it out at any given moment. And it’s written on with blood sweat and tears. Maybe it’s sinful pride that keeps me from being put back in the negative column on that scoresheet, but I don’t keep a scoresheet and I no longer want to be put on one. There’s always been the family joke that I wasn’t really one of them. I am so unlike my mother and my brother. I believe that if I have something and you need it(and I can part with it) I will GIVE it to you. I’ve never really been long on cash, so if you need your hair done, I’ll do it. You’re hungry, I’ll cook you something, you’re thirsty, I’ll make you a drink, you have a flat tire, I will jack your car up, take your tire off, plug it and put it back on. They are different. Nothing in life is free. If they feed you, be prepared to pay for your share: you had 2 pieces of chicken, your scoop of mashed potatoes was about equal to 2 spuds, and you had 6 asparagus spears...you will pay one way or another.



Another vicious circle: her mother didn’t celebrate her, so she didn’t celebrate me...she didn’t know how and she didn’t choose to learn how. I choose to learn. If you have more than one child, you need to learn how to celebrate each one. The celebrations will be different but there needs to be celebrations. It builds esteem. It tells someone they are worthy.

I now have someone who celebrates me, I just pray I don’t fuck it up!