Mirror Mirror

I know quite a few divorced people, most of whom were married in their 20's. A person changes as they grow and mature. Most of those divorced people that I know, matured and grew separate from their spouses, in different directions. I do know some married couples who matured and grew in the same direction, but each of those couples has God as their focus and as they grew in Him, they grew together.

As I think back on my past relationships, I would always think that for our relationship to work HE would have to change in certain ways. There are several flaws with that particular way of thinking...first and foremost, it is very selfish. I most certainly wasn’t perfect but could only think of how he needed to change.

I remember going to visit my grandmother in 1993, pregnant with my first child. We argued. She asked if I was planning to marry the father. I asked, why would I do that?  Why would I compound one mistake with another? Whatever struggles lay ahead for me as a single mother, I’m confident I can handle with God’s help, but to add to that a marriage (which I believe is forever) with someone that I don’t even LIKE on a consistent basis would be catastrophic. It turns out I was right. On his good days he is just dumb, still. 18 years later. On his bad days he is a complete asshole. No, I believe I made the right decision.

There have been others since him. Being in the church and having two children, I felt pressure (pressure I applied to myself) to be married. This blinded me. The wedding invitations were picked out, but I called my mother just before she could order them and said DON’T.  I believe the Holy Spirit speaks to us the way we need to hear it. He said, ‘have you lost your *bleep*ing mind. I didn’t tell you to do this’ Again, I thought my love could change all the wrongs in this person. Actually, love is turning that person over to God and taking yourself out of a situation.

So this became a pattern for a long while. It would always go so far and then I would hear that still small voice saying it’s not for me to change anybody. It wasn’t until late 2009 when I woke up to what was really needed. Picture a huge mirror (bigger than the Evil Queen’s - Mirror Mirror on the wall) At that point everytime I thought about what someone else needed to do, I saw that mirror.

Now I’m in a relationship and he doesn’t need to change a thing. Mirror, mirror. If he does that’s for him and God to talk about, I love him just the way he is. Mirror, mirror. I will adapt and adjust. Or maybe I will like what I see in the mirror. Grown woman making decisions and choices.

Year 1

When we reconnected on the Book, almost 3 years ago now, I’ll admit I was disappointed to find out he was married. He said he was unhappy, but don’t they all say that? He was never inappropriate in any way. We emailed each other every once in a while. We always had easy conversation even with an 18 year gap. 15 months ago I noticed a status change. I had to let him know that I noticed, not looking for anything, just offering a friendly ear, if needed. The emails became a little more frequent and then we met face to face for the first time in 19 years. In my opinion, he hadn’t changed a bit. Still sexy as he wanted to be!

 

I was nervous on my way to the restaurant, Don Pablo’s, in Deptford. Would he like me? Had I changed drastically? What would we talk about? As soon as I saw him, all those fears fell away and the conversation became easy again.

 

A simple hug goodbye and now a year later I’m cold unless I’m in his arms. He knows me so well. He always seems to tell when I need a little kiss and a hug.

 

Over this year I’ve realized a few things:

 

He is my confidant, he is for me, my best friend, my comforter. He gives me peace, and peace is so hard to find. I close my eyes and think of him to ease my mind. He always wants to help, not just me, that is his character. He's restored my faith, I know this struggle is not in vain.

 

Should I say I want to love him forever? I think he’s incredible. He is not like the others I’ve dealt with in my past. I believe in him. I need him.

 

We compliment each other. I cook. He bakes. I’m fiery. He’s calm. He’s patient, me -not so much.

 

I can’t imagine life without him. I don’t want to try. He is #1 in my eyes and I still get butterflies.

 

Sometimes I watch you sleep. Kiss you and fall in love all over again. In
 the morning when you’re leaving I start to miss my best friend. You’re my
 better half, like a twin, you complete my words when I begin.- CW

 

 I remember a lot of things: our first kiss, playing pool at Dave n Buster's. Just one. and boy, did I want another! Our first kiss with tongue, outside the bowling alley the very next week. Our first (you know) after a movie and drinks at Olive Garden and him steaming up my glasses in the parking lot. the 4 walls of his bedroom being named our safe place where we could talk about anything.

I tried, as is my way, to push him away. He wouldn't budge. My fear is abandonment, so I push so that when I am left alone it seems logical. My mother and brother tried to use the Jedi mind trick. Subterfuge, trying to convince me that WHEN something goes wrong it will be my fault. He said Fuck them! I love him!

I'm blessed to have another moment, some more time spent with him. I feel like we're finishing something we started so long ago.

Trying to sum up a year in one post is pretty difficult. So many good times. He takes me places, places I want to go, but the best times have been at the simplest (free) places. the beach, walking hand in hand. the park where we saw a bear at the lake. in the kitchen, cooking together. at Kitchen Kapers, daydreaming about future meals. the simple things. watching fireworks. the family cook out. letting me stay with him and making space in the closet. taking me to see my brother in the hospital. writing a letter to his mother to tell her about me.

Who wouldn't love this man? There are lots out there who would like the chance, but he's mine. And I plan to work hard to keep it that way!

H@ppy

There is a difference between not hurting anymore and being happy. A middle of the road so to speak. Not complaining but not testifying.

 

What’s worse is having been happy and knowing what it feels like but not having been in that place for too long.

 

You feel forsaken. Traveling down a long road...it’s not raining, but there is a dark cloud. Not so dark that you can’t see, no, on the contrary, you can see the sun in the distance. You can’t feel it’s warmth, but you long for it.

 

You want to run towards it (the sun, warmth, happiness) but like that ever elongating hallway in a horror movie, it never seems to get any closer.

 

How long are you going to follow that path? How long has it been that you’ve been running towards the sun but getting nowhere?

 

It’s not magic or luck or coincidence. He told you you were on the wrong path. You chose to listen. You changed paths and suddenly the road shortened and the sun was upon you. You are now basking in the light and warmth of the sun. Happy.

 

Congratulations. Testify.

 

SURPRISE!

A month's worth of planning culminated in one happy ending, well, not a true happy ending, which I wanted to give but I was too tired. Sorry excuse of a good girlfriend that I am.

The worst part of the whole thing is that I couldn't tell my love what I was up to. Duh, that is the whole point of a surprise, but there were certain happenings that I wanted to share when they occurred. I realized then that I tell him almost everything. So he would ask, 'what did you do today?' 'uh, nothing'. I hate lying.

BUT, I had so much fun planning for him. I couldn't wait to see (well, hoped for) the smile on his face. There were a few obstacles. A few times when I thought all I had done up to that point was for nothing, even up to that day. But it went down and the smile was there and that made everything SO worth it all.

Some people don't take surprises well. I wasn't sure if he would be that type, I was nervous, but he smiled. It seemed genuine. I needed to keep checking, to make sure it wasn't just for the audience.

I love him. I wanted to do more. He does so much for every one in his life. I just wanted his day to be one big continuous smile. There were a few frowns, hopefully the smiles outweighed them.

The worst part was having to get up in the middle of the night, the best part of waking up is waking up next to him.

Rescue

So what happened after he climbed up the tower and rescued her? She rescued him right back! - Pretty Woman

The prince climbed up the tower to rescue the princess, BUT the prince was afraid of heights. Once he made the gesture of rescuing her, he fought the bad guys and the dragon and made it to the top, she gives him what he needs - to be rescued right back. He closes his eyes and she leads him to the elevator, so they can get back to the ground floor.

They are like two puzzle pieces, jointly fit together. Where one has an empty space, the other fills it. They don't have the same needs, but are able AND WILLING to fill each other's.

Allowing yourself to be rescued is the tricky part. It means admitting to yourself that there is a need and that you can't or shouldn't do it alone. Alone is a bad word. God doesn't even like that word. Adam was alone and it displeased God.

Everyone needs someone. I'm learning that. Thank God I have finally found the right teacher.

part 1

Sitting in a secluded booth in the dimly lit restaurant, Erika and Evan were oblivious to the restaurant’s other patrons.

 

The candles on the tables were no match to the glow that emanated from Erika whenever she was in Evan’s presence.  When she was with him, she only thought of love songs and sonnets: Elizabeth Barrett Browning - How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...I love thee to the depth and breadth and height my soul can reach. Prince - until the end of time I’ll be there for you you own my heart an mind, I truly adore you. Uber-sappy she was, but he made her extremely happy.

 

They sat body to body and perused the menu. They had a habit of ordering different items then sharing. They were set to do the same.

 

As the waitress approached, Erika felt Evan’s body stiffen, and she looked up to see his ex-wife, Daffi, coming towards them. She remembered him saying something about her taking a night job, which shortened her availability with their kids, but Erika didn’t believe a word out of that bitch’s mouth, so to see her there was a little shocking. Erika placed a calming hand on Evan’s inner thigh. Tranquility wasn’t the exact reaction Evan’s body produced from her touch, but it did elicit a smile. As Daffi drew closer, Erika leaned over, as to whisper something in his ear, but instead she nibbled on his earlobe, and then whispered, ‘Get ready...I’ll handle this.’
Oh, I’m ready...but not for what you’re thinking, he thought, as he tried hard not to focus on the effect she was having on his body.

 

Daffi stood at the table, silent, tapping her foot impatiently. In the shadowy restaurant, she couldn’t tell who they were until she was at their table, which pissed her off. Several moments passed, and noone spoke.  Daffi stood, arms crossed, toe tapping, glaring at Erika. Unbelievably, they had never come face to face until this point.

 

After what seemed like an eternity, Erika broke the silence. ‘Aren’t you going to say anything?’ she asked Daffi.
Venomously, Daffi replied, ‘What would you LIKE me to say?!!’
‘Let’s see...for starters, how about ‘Welcome to Chateau Roget.’ I mean, you do work here, right? Because if there’s another reason you rolled up on our table and are standing here staring at me, let’s get to that...’

 

Immediately, she felt Evan relax against the back of his seat and exhale.

 

Daffi, briefly dazed, looked from Erika to Evan and back to Erika, and said to Evan, ‘Where are OUR kids?’

 

Erika, reassuringly rubbed his thigh, and answered for him, ‘Interesting how you should be concerned about them now, at this moment. Rest assured, they are fine. At home. Fed and safe.’

 

‘Now with all hearts and minds clear, we’ll be leaving cause I’ll be damned if you have an opportunity to spit in my food!’
As she rose from the table, she came up close to Daffi and whispered calmly, ‘So very nice to finally meet you. Don’t get this 2 piece with your name on it.’

 

Holding hands, Evan and Erika strolled out of the restaurant.  They picked up some Popeye’s chicken, went home and Evan gave Erika the effects of what she started in the restaurant. Three times.

Analyze This

Some say that dreams are your subconscious hopes. I disagree. Just like the devil can make suggestions in your thoughts, I believe he can also make suggestions in your dreams. Unfortunately, in your dreams you are not as able to institute the 3 second rule. (The 3 second rule - when he suggests something, you have 3 seconds to cast it down like we’re told to do in 2 Corinthians 10:4)

I have some reoccurring dreams, but most recently I had some very disturbing ones. 2 in 1 night to be exact.

Dream #1...my girlfriend is getting married, not to her current boyfriend, but to her ex, who I happened to introduce her to. He is my ex’s brother. She makes me her maid of honor and my ex is the best man. We have to dance together, which is very awkward, even in the dream.  It’s awkward because he hates me and the hatred is exuding from him. Not to mention that in all our years together, we never danced. He was so lame. In the dream I just couldn’t wait for the dance to be over, but here’s the most outrageous part of the dream, at the end of the dance he pulls out a ring and proposes. I ran. Then I woke up.

Dream #2...I am at home in my apartment waiting for the maintenance crew to arrive and fix something. They knock on the door and when I answer there is a young man in charge. He starts yelling at me and barges in and they begin to search my apartment. They are moving so fast, I can’t get my hands on the leader. I am quite confident that when I catch him I can and will ring his neck. I am waiting for him to stand still so I can grab him up and throw him out. He finally comes to me after searching my youngest daughter’s room, and begins yelling at me about what he found in her room. Accusing me of not knowing what my daughter is up to, did I know she was practicing being a chemist. She had a very sophisticated cook pot in her room. She was manufacturing drugs right under my nose. I was no longer interested in ringing his neck but hers. I did still put the crew out but now my focus was on my daughter and her nefarious yet possibly profitable activities.

Perhaps I need to lay on someone’s couch. Some dreams I can’t wait to get back to sleep. These particular dreams woke me up in a panic.

Preacher Man

I’m really confused about this relationship. Here comes the naivete again. I believed that because we are NOT sleeping together, that it’s all good. Do I think he is over the top and sometimes over steps his bounds? Absolutely! But as it keeps being pointed out to me, he is a man (human), not flawless. What I decided a long time ago was to weigh some things out - am I willing to give up the Word of God that flows from this man because his jokes sometimes go too far? The blessings that have occurred in my life because I joined this church and am being taught by this man are evident to me. Could I be taught and grow somewhere else? I’m sure I can but I have work to do at this church and I don’t believe my time there is up yet. Just like in any relationship, I believe you must accept someone - flaws and all. You weigh out what you can and can’t deal with and go from there.

 

 

So, do I think he likes me a little too much? Sure I do. (Can you really blame him?) But my position has always been - that’s between him, his wife and God. As long as he doesn’t act on whatever feelings he may have, we’ll be cool. There is no reciprocity. I do not like him too much. I like him. If he wasn’t my pastor and we knew each other, he’d be a friend. We are close in age and have a few things in common but it would never be more than a friendship. The one thing that we have in common, that I think bonds us the most is our slick mouths. As my pastor, when he says to watch my mouth, I listen, but I don’t allow him to play the ‘Pastor’ card so he can win the argument.

That’s where it stops. You won’t find us riding in the car alone together or having secret meetings. Don’t be calling me late at night, etc. (Being his tenant sometimes made that difficult, but if you need to be here fixing something, bring your wife - he usually did) but if that wasn’t feasible, it’s your house, you fix what needs fixing and call me and I’ll come back or my kids are present, etc. One time he was there by himself on a Thursday evening and whatever he needed to fix he said he needed to go onto the roof thru my bedroom window. Oh no you don’t, not tonight. Come back Saturday with your wife and y’all can go wherever you need to go.

So that’s how I roll. But people are gonna believe what they want to believe.

I know my heart. God knows my heart. Ultimately, that’s all I can be concerned with. The truth always comes out.

And let me also add that he has never suggested anything unbecoming towards me. Yes, he is in my business, but I don’t believe he is only in MY business. But I allowed him to be in my business to the extent that he is. I joined this church while I was with Keith and I would hear every Sunday how I am better than what I’m dealing with. That this man doesn’t have the right to call me out of my name whenever he feels like it. Or ever for that matter. Different sermons that let me know God was speaking to and thru him because nobody knew these things about me. And because I’m always looking for Charles Ingalls - father/husband/protector/provider/confidant, when I left Keith I replaced him with my Pastor. He filled a few of those roles for me - father figure/protector (shepherd), provider (shepherd). I like to be in the presence of him and his wife. Their love for each other is evident to me and I soak up the way they act and react to each other. He calls wanting what they have ‘putting that in your hope chest’. Then I met Tiger and he replaced the Pastor. I believe the pastor recognized the changing of the guard and I still believe he wants the best for me. He has eased up on his constant need for communication. I asked about the lesser amount of texts, he said he eased up in case ‘him’ got my phone. That was a humorous truth. For my sake he didn’t want Tiger thinking there was something going on. Too late. But I appreciate that effort.

At this point, I guess I think of him as the brother I SHOULD have.

I think, as a businessman, he can sometimes be unethical. David was a murderer.

 

I can forgive. Lesson learned.

Tired

Forgiveness is for my own sake. I cannot be forgiven unless I forgive. And Lord knows I have plenty to be forgiven for, so it's in my best interest to forgive those who have done me wrong. Knowingly or unknowingly.

The Bible also talks about how to treat the man/woman of God. We are not to talk about, talk down, denigrate, or smear them. I say things to my confidante, but I'm still careful of what I say because God hears and knows all. I have, however, been hurt. And it hurts the most when you believe the person who hurt you had your best interest at heart. Then you begin to second-guess all of your prior decisions. Has every decision I've ever made been an 'emotional decision'? Do only women make emotional decisions or is it just me, and not even relegated to a gender thing. So when second-guessing yourself, how far do you go back?

I'm tired.

When I Wake Up

Jill Scott

 

Too much on my mind...

I have let you go, and everything I went thru was beautiful
maybe I right now can’t see the forest for the trees
So lost behind hurt but I’m trying everyday exponentially to move forward

 

 

do you know how it feels to be lost?
But when I wake up AND I WILL WAKE UP
everything I went thru will be beautiful
But I’m feeling like I’m in a nightmare
Fear of loving somebody everywhere
Oh Lord, I need this confirmation, this affirmation that when I wake up everything I went thru will be beautiful

Stay

It’s more than a command given to the dog.

My stay began almost two weeks ago. His stated goal was to make me feel comfortable. I was brought up to believe that if you are partaking of someone’s hospitality, you should not get comfortable because that could lead to you becoming complacent. In this case, it could lead to me not wanting to leave.

As far as I know, we have only had one issue, and even that was minor and quickly brought to a close. I asked if I could cook dinner, grilled steak. He said yes. I took a nap, woke up and started folding clothes. He came in and said that he started the grill and that the steaks were marinating. I got upset that he marinated the steaks. Petty, right? I just wanted to do it all for him, start to finish. He offered to put those steaks in the freezer and go buy new steaks. That seemed absurd to me. I don’t know if that was just a test, but I can’t imagine being that angry to suggest that he do something like that. Steak is not cheap. I even attempted to rinse off the steak. At that point I realized how ridiculous I was being and I began to consider what words to say to apologize. An apology was necessary. He was just being considerate, after all. He was upstairs and I don’t know what was going through his head, but I was downstairs, still forming my apology. He comes downstairs and apologizes to me! He’s not used to someone helping. I apologized for getting upset. It turns out we just wanted to help each other. We hugged and it was over. That lasted about 15 minutes (I told you it was minor). I can’t imagine being mad at him for longer than that. I definitely don’t ever want to go to bed mad at him.

Since then it has been lovely. Even his youngest is starting to like me. I’m wearing her down. I can tell.

I want to...

Lists

I’ve been through some things. Don’t hold that against me. I think at this stage in my life, I can fairly and honestly assess the things I am good at and the things I am not.

I can

* write well (proofread and maintain topic and flow)
* teach/coach (certain ages require more patience. Patience goes on the ‘Not Good At’ list)
* cook (I can follow a recipe or improvise)
* mix a drink (sort of like cooking, but with liquor)
* plan a party (any type)
* debate (reason and argue any point)
* fix minor things on a car (oil changes, tires, wipers, lights)
* carry a tune (sing - I’m no Patti or Whitney)
* judge a character

Before we get to the I can’t list, there should be some middle ground. Like I’m pretty good at keeping a kitchen clean, and I can clean a bathroom and wash clothes. Who can’t, but one person’s idea of a clean kitchen/bathroom can be quite different from another’s. I can juggle the books, but I have trouble balancing them (money).

So here’s the other list. We’ll call it the ‘Not Good At’ list because can’t really isn’t in my vocabulary.

I’m not good at

* balancing a budget (I’m not as bad as Congress but...)
* sharing my innermost feelings
* holding my tongue (I know this sounds contrary to the item before it, but they are different)
* not having an answer (I don’t know is not good enough. I need to find the answer)

Maybe I’ll have to revisit these lists in the future and add to them. I believe that your mate needs to be good at the things that you are not. Well, let me not speak so generally...my mate needs to be good at the things that I am not. He can be equal or better at the things I’m good at, hell...he could suck at all the things I’m good at and I wouldn’t hold it against him, but the things I’m not good at, SOMEBODY has to be good at them or it’ll be a disaster.

He Is Pt. 2

I know it ain't easy loving me...I appreciate the love and dedication from him to me

He is making it easier to recognize love. I see it in his eyes. Caring. Concern. Desire. An honest answer, even if the answer is not what I want to hear, but he shares his soul, his fears, his hopes.

Funny, I've actually known him more than half my life. Sure, most of that time was apart, living separate lives, but a man like him is impossible to forget. and I never did. I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe the things we have been through separately have prepared us for each other.

He sat in my Sunday School class this morning, and I don't know if I can express how happy that made me. I was nervous beforehand. I am always nervous when I am teaching the adult class, but his presence was so calming. The look on his face was so encouraging, I was sad to hear the 'wrap it up' music.

He is more than a lover, he is my friend. my best friend. He offered his opinion and his help to me this afternoon. I accepted. At first I was resistant (that is my way, I am working on it) but I came to my senses because of who he is and (after hearing the sermon today) knowing that he has my best interest at heart. I submitted to his idea. He later tried to explain his thought process, I appreciate the attempt at the explanation, but it was not necessary.


There is no thought of time and he's always on my mind.

He even went to WaWa and made my coffee perfectly!

Without him, I'd be lovesick and empty...

He Is

He is the mind injector, the heart protector
The soul defender of anything I fear
The baby conceiver, the make me believer
The joy bringer, the love giver

He is the dough increaser, the pleasure releaser
The hard knocks knower without the scars to show ya
The night school teacher, the good life preacher
The caretaker, the kiss craver

He is the make it alright to get you through the night
The soul defender of anything I fear
The pain remover, bad times undoer
The joy bringer, the love giver


I GOTTA BE THE SAME FOR HIM

Celebrate!

I wish you were here
to see the things I’ve done
you’d be so proud of your son
I wish you were here
to celebrate with me

Jamie Foxx has this song - I wish you were here. It is to his grandmother, who died just before he won his Oscar. It talks about how she prepared him for that moment and he wishes she was still here to share it with him. I remember when the song came out, I instantly liked it, but it made me sad at the same time. I never had anyone like that in my life. I guess the closest I have come is my grandfather but he died when I was 6, so I never had the opportunity to make him proud. Every time I hear the song, I search through the memory library in my head for that one person that encouraged me and showed me UNCONDITIONAL love and I come up wanting every time.

                                           

I’ve been asked why I find it difficult to ask for help. Recently a family practice has been brought to the light. That would be the Big SCORESHEET. Each of my family members’ has a scoresheet like a bedsheet. They have to fold it up for it to be put away neatly but they are quick to whip it out at any given moment. And it’s written on with blood sweat and tears. Maybe it’s sinful pride that keeps me from being put back in the negative column on that scoresheet, but I don’t keep a scoresheet and I no longer want to be put on one. There’s always been the family joke that I wasn’t really one of them. I am so unlike my mother and my brother. I believe that if I have something and you need it(and I can part with it) I will GIVE it to you. I’ve never really been long on cash, so if you need your hair done, I’ll do it. You’re hungry, I’ll cook you something, you’re thirsty, I’ll make you a drink, you have a flat tire, I will jack your car up, take your tire off, plug it and put it back on. They are different. Nothing in life is free. If they feed you, be prepared to pay for your share: you had 2 pieces of chicken, your scoop of mashed potatoes was about equal to 2 spuds, and you had 6 asparagus spears...you will pay one way or another.



Another vicious circle: her mother didn’t celebrate her, so she didn’t celebrate me...she didn’t know how and she didn’t choose to learn how. I choose to learn. If you have more than one child, you need to learn how to celebrate each one. The celebrations will be different but there needs to be celebrations. It builds esteem. It tells someone they are worthy.

I now have someone who celebrates me, I just pray I don’t fuck it up!

Flaws and All

I am at my wit’s end, sick enough to puke!!! I have been looking for a 2nd job for the last 6 months, to no avail. And WHY can’t I find a job? I am super qualified for plenty of positions. Something is going on. My last option is the oldest profession...I am looking for a pimp.

All the books, all the talk shows, “relationship experts” and even preachers say I should be looking for a man to take care of me, that it’s part of their make-up to want to provide. That screams Golddigger to me. But not only that, I have no point of reference. My grandfather, who died when I was 6, was a provider, or so I’m told, but for the last 34 years I have not had a real life example (Charles Ingalls doesn’t count) of a man providing for his family.


One of my many flaws is not knowing how to ask for help...from anybody. Business or personal, I have always done it myself.  I can be a team player by offering help, but asking for it is a problem. I did that once...I needed help with my rent and I asked Captain Sav’em (previous post) for help. He didn’t usually like to have sex with me, but on this occasion he put the money on the nightstand and said I could have it if I had sex with him. I felt like a whore, which I’m certain was his intention.

I'm noone’s responsibility but my own and I have the responsibility to provide for my children. Unfortunately, their dad doesn’t feel that responsibility for them. If he did I wouldn’t be in this predicament. But then that’s my fault too. He wasn’t responsible for the 1st one, why did I give him a second chance to be more irresponsible?

The Bible says that I am God’s responsibility. Well, He is gonna have to do something VERY soon or His children will be living in the car!

Goodbye

Sitting on the kitchen floor, holding your head in my lap as you took your last breaths. You were the best dog ever! Whenever I came home from work, you were always the happiest to see me! You would come to the door before anyone. You slept in my room every night. Nothing could keep you from my room. Not even if I had company. You wouldn't bother anyone in here, you just wanted to be close to me. And I loved you for that!
I will miss you!

Test

Sometimes I wonder if everything is a test. And I don’t necessarily mean from God, but from God’s messenger. I truly believe my Pastor is a confidant. In the sense that he wants the best for me. The same news I shared with my ex, that made me know that he wasn’t for me, I shared with my pastor. He seemed more happy about the news than I was if that was possible. He shared it with his wife and the church leaders and was the first to offer up some money to help.

I know that he wants to see me grow as a leader, so now whenever something happens that is out of my comfort zone, I question whether it is a test. For example, he text me and said look into radio stations from the Trenton area to the Burlington area. I text back the name of a prominent AM station in the Trenton area and he said Cool, look into that one and BG has another station she’s checking out. I was surprised that it was a mass text BECAUSE he did not mention that this was a mass text and this could lead to duplication of efforts. I will do what you ask but I do not want to waste my time and call a station that someone else is calling. But whatever, he said that my station was different than BG’s, so I called and got the info.  The next day I text BG to ask what station she called, to compare rates, etc. She said she has not called any station yet but I can call her station for her. Well, on one hand I’m thankful because it turned out to be the same station and had she called it WOULD have been duplication of efforts, but she never bothered. So I asked, is this a test? Just a rhetorical question, asked only of myself. He knows me, he knows how I do things...you asked me to do something, I’m gonna try to do it right now or get it done as quickly as possible. Her, not so much. But it’s not even about her really. So the fact that this is bothering me at all is what leads me to my question.

It shouldn’t bother me. Maybe that's the test.

the Truth

(not to be confused with the TRUTH stored in a hideaway drawer)

Let me tell you why I love him

cause he is the truth
said he is so real
and I love the way that he makes me feel
and if I am a reflection of him
then I must be fly
because his light it shines so bright I wouldn’t lie

I remember the very first day that I saw him
I found myself immediately intrigued by him

 its not hard for me to understand him cause hes so much like me
and its truly my pleasure to share his company
and I know that its God’s gift to breathe the air he breathes

I love the way he speaks
I love the way he thinks

I love him in every way that a woman can love a man
from personal to universal but most of all its unconditional
that’s the way I feel

there ain’t no substitute for the truth
either it is or it isn’t

and you know the truth by the way it feels


lyrics by India Arie

Captain Sav'em

Being a Captain Sav’em (CS) is a disorder.  It’s about control. Disguised as a Knight in Shining Armor, CS looks for women who need ‘saving/rescuing’.  They come to the rescue with grand gestures and slowly gain control until the woman is a dependent instead of a partner. CS then becomes a parent to a grown woman. 

I didn’t even see it happening.  My CS was slow and methodical. (For example, ‘baby, you don’t need to pay a cell phone bill, I’ll just put you on my plan’ - thereby gaining access to my call/text log which proved to be a problem later. I wound up having to justify all my calls. God forbid someone on my ‘approved’ list changed their number...I would need a signed letter from the Governor. Control.)

He made me feel like he thought he was the luckiest man alive because he was with me and whatever he had to do to keep me happy he would do. I told him what I wanted from the beginning...a husband, who would be the head of the household, who I could submit to and be a partner with. He was cool with what I wanted, so I did. Submit. I held up to my end of the ‘agreement’ but he didn’t. How could he, he was already married. So I waited and waited. And there was drama and more drama. There were good times intertwined but at the end I had to ask myself why I was committed to working through the drama when we obviously didn’t want the same things. (His being cool with what I wanted didn’t equate to him actually wanting the same).

We had a habit of breaking up and getting back together...remember I said drama. So much so that when I told my girlfriend that we were broken up, it was 4 months before she really believed me. The doorway back together was always the phone. He would say, do you want to keep the phone, I would say yes and a week later he would call with the drama of who you calling, which would lead to why do you care who I’m calling, and so on and so forth. In hindsight, these breakups were probably his opportunity to step out with no guilty conscience, if he even has a conscience. And it was always him breaking up with me. (One such fight was through Facebook messages - I kept it as a reminder of what I went through...some HS friends were getting together and I posted that I wasn’t doing anything on Saturday and was free to meet up with everybody. Well, he flipped out...said that I was telling all my business to all these men like a whore. There were a few dudes involved in the group but I certainly wasn’t meeting just men. Anyway, that breakup lasted about 2 weeks.) The final breakup was my idea and he asked me did I want to keep the phone. I said yes, but 5 days later I got my own contract. That let him know that it was final. I heard from him 2 months later when he texted me that I was a fucking hypocritical whore. That was actually ‘whore’ #4. I told him at #1, I ain’t gonna be too many more whores. This last time I didn’t respond.

We were Facebook friends until Christmas 2010. No communication but I would go past his page every so often to see if my pictures were still up. Around that time I began rekindling an old friendship and thought it best to leave CS where? Back there!

I’m sure he’s saving someone else now.

Out of the Mist

Metaphorically speaking...the mist being my life which was foggy and blurry. I could only see a few feet in front of me, and then you appeared.

‘You have bewitched me body and soul and I love, love, love you.’

I can see clearly now, Mr. Darcy.

Trust

trust n. 1. firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing; confident belief; faith

integrity - rigid adherence to a code of behavior; soundness

trust   faith   confidence   reliance   dependence

These nouns refer to a feeling that a person or thing will not fail in performance.  Trust implies depth and assurance of such feeling, which may not always be supported by proof.  When acceptance of someone or something is unquestioning and emotionally charged, faith is the more appropriate term.  Confidence suggests less intensity of feeling but, frequently, good evidence for being sure.  Reliance implies a decision to commit oneself to another and to accept the consequences in case of failure; with dependence the commitment is not a free choice.

I trust my man. He has integrity (he is a rule follower), ability (he is super smart and makes things happen), and he has very good character (a combination of moral and ethical strength).  I don’t give it up easily...(my trust! Get your mind out of the gutter) but I have learned how to tell if someone is ‘for’ me, and he is.  My faith is in God and because of that faith and the knowledge that we are humans and fallible, I can rely on him.  As Cee-lo Green said, ‘any mistakes he makes, I just may forgive’ and I hope the same is true for him, but that is the chance I have allowed myself to take. I love him in and out, up and down, and round and round (more Cee-lo Green) hahaha.

That trust is not for everybody. Some people I’ve known most of my life cannot get that from me. I have been fooled before. I thought that someone that was against what I was against was actually for me, but that was before I learned how to tell the difference.

Trust me, I know the difference now...

You Got Indian in You?

I am not a jealous chick. And I damn sure won’t build on someone else’s insecurities, I have enough of my own. But I have a God-given gift of discernment.  I can tell what someone’s intentions are, usually, if I’m working my gift.

I do not use Cliff’s Notes when it comes to people. I will read a book for myself.

That being said, the Cliff’s Notes out on this particular chick say she can sniff out a dick from 3 miles away and she’s not discriminatory.  But my grandmama raised me right, she instructed me in my Indian ancestry...I hail from the Slap-a-Hoe tribe! There are only a few of us left.

I will judge for myself.

Mommy Dearest

No, I was not beat with wire hangers nor was I left at the dinner table for hours upon hours.  Any lingering scars from that relationship are emotional only.  And there comes a point in your life where you have to forgive, for your own sake, and move on. I don’t mean for you to make room for that person to continue to abuse you, that is not exercising wisdom. I do mean for you to put the past hurts where? Back there! Leave them where they are, in the past.

Confidant - someone who is for you. They are happy for your successes and seek to help with your failures.

Constituent - someone who is for what you are for.

Comrade - someone who is against what you are against

So by these brief definitions, you would think that a mother inherently falls into the Confidant category. Unfortunately, not always the case.  Mine was more concerned with the mechanics. We were fed, clothed and sheltered. We even got to do extra-curricular activities. I did tap and ballet. I played the flute. I played soccer from 7 to 15. I played one year of basketball. I was in Brownies, then Girl Scouts. I had a bike and plenty of barbies. I had a tv in my room at age 9. But if you had asked me at age 7, would you rather have your barbies or be up under your mother, I would have asked if I could bring my barbies to be up under my mother with me. LOL Seriously, up under (and that is her term because she used to always say - get from up under me) is where I wanted to be.

My crying got on her nerves, but my brother would make me cry. He would beat me up or tease me, sometimes she would join him in the teasing...my weight was always good for the two of them to laugh about, and if we were at a cousin’s house then my brother would lead the others in teasing me. I would escape in a book. I remember my favorite book was Harriet the Spy and I got a notebook and made it my journal and I would sneak around the neighborhood looking through people’s windows and make up stories about their lives (that’s what Harriet did in the book) And by the time I was 15 and had my own friends, I no longer wanted any part of her. At that point she tried to act hurt when I wouldn’t talk to her or confide in her. She took me to the doctor and I would exercise my right to NOT have her in the room and I wouldn’t tell her shit about the visit.

Even though my brother used to torture me, he was the sun, the moon and the stars in my eyes. And when he left for college and left me alone with her and my sometimes Daddy, it was the ultimate betrayal. The only solace was he would let me come visit him at Penn State. A 14 yr old that looks 17 loose on a college campus (that’s a whole ‘nother post)

Anyway, she was never a confidant. I couldn’t/can’t share my dreams with her, even now. But I love her regardless. It’s cool, now I have my own children that I have to break the cycle for (I say cycle because my grandmother treated my mother the same way) And it IS a vicious cycle. I have to consciously work to be different and sometimes it does get away from me. I have one child that even my best attempts are met with hostility. But I press on!

They won’t call me Mommy Dearest!

Alright

Ledisi

I can’t wait to see your face, I need a smile and your embrace

 In the morning when I see the sun, I know I’m not the only one...

People come and they go, that’s just the way that it goes

Everything is everything, it’s gonna be alright

Life can make us feel bad, but don’t give up

Hold on...hold on

Divorce

I've never been married, so I've never been divorced. I just know what I've seen. Doesn't mean what I've seen was right or even normal, it just was what it was.

My parents were divorced for 17 years. When I was 6, my father moved out and I guess the paperwork was pretty straight forward. No long drawn out process, my mother just started saying to whomever was interested - 'I'm divorced".

But did that piece of paper sever all the feelings of the previous 12 years? Not in my parents' case, and how could it? This person you professed to love forever in front of God, family and friends...and a piece of paper is supposed to annul those feelings?  Again, not in my parents' case.  17 years later, I was present for their 2nd marriage, to each other.

Those 17 years were something else too, let me tell you!  I believe it was the visitation agreement that got my father back in the door. He lived in NY, so she allowed him to have visitation at our house. Some visitations: he'd arrive, usually in the middle of the night, and my brother and I wouldn't see much of him. He'd make his way to the kitchen to make a few meals, but then he'd head right back to the bedroom.

It went on this way for about 17 years. There were boyfriends and girlfriends along the way, but noone could withstand the competition nor the interference in which both of them engaged each other. She would let him move back in for a few weeks, sometimes months at a time, but then something would happen and he'd be gone again. When my mother would get another boyfriend, my dad would pop up and a fight would ensue, sometimes with the other dude, but mostly with my mom.

Is divorce ever truly final? Especially if you have kids together? Does one person always carry a torch or question whether there was something they could have done to avoid where they are now? I was in a relationship and he called me his ex's name. It wasn't in anger either. We were just doing laundry and he said, 'Nicky, get me the detergent' Well, my name is not Nicky. I didn't make it a big deal. I actually didn't say anything. Maybe I should have, I don't know. I just thought that if he was thinking about her during the mundane task of laundry, how often does he think about her. We're not together anymore, and I have no idea if they are back together. I do know that she regretted their relationship ending and she would write him letters and send cards, etc.

My parents are separated now, they have been married now for almost 17 years, but I couldn't even tell you how much of that was 'happily'. Divorce is now in their vocabulary again.

Holding Hands

a show of affection. I like to hold his hand. It shows a connection. Such a lovely gesture, a kind of statement of unity. And it feels good to be able to touch him in public, knowing where those hands have been in private.

 

Is It Good to Ya

Is it good to you? I like it...
Is it good to you? Ooh I like it...

I like aural sex. I like oral sex. Giving as much as receiving. I've heard that a lot of women say that, that they like to give head. In a discussion with a male friend who was on the verge of divorce, he said that his future ex hooked him by saying that. But was there evidence? I suggested that the woman who you have to tap on the shoulder, or head, and tell her to stop, that's the woman that loves to give head. But I will stop if I can't tell that my man is enjoying it. Aural. Since I'm not looking at him (I'm focused, man!) I need to hear him. The squirt in the eye is not enough proof. Ha! It doesn't matter what opening he has entered, I like to know everything...what it feels like, tastes like, you name it. A groan, a moan, grab my head, grab anything!

I used to think maybe I should've been a man. Not because of my preference, because I definitely love men, but my sex drive has always been extremely high. I assume my testosterone level is high. In Utopia, I would do it every day, a couple times a day. i don't love it enough to make it my job LOL but I do love it.

Amazing

I definitely don’t feel amazing. I feel like a failure. Feelings aren’t facts. I know I can’t get blood from a turnip and every other cliche out there for getting something out of nothing, but that doesn’t change how I feel. It’s been drilled into me for 30 years that I need to be self sufficient and that asking for help is a sign of weakness. Anytime my mother had to ask someone for help it was done in secret and anytime I needed help I was made to feel ashamed.

I’m actually learning that it’s a fool that won’t ask for help, (good old Proverbs) but is it foolish to try to exhaust all avenues before you ask for help? Robbing Peter to pay Paul...where did that saying even come from? The point is if there is not enough in the pot, no matter how you spread it around something will come up short, like a blanket that is shorter than the person trying to cover themselves. No matter which way you pull it, there will be something exposed.

It’s only been in the last couple of years that I have had anyone teach me money management. My Pastor sat down with me, with my pay stubs and a list of my bills and helped me make a budget. It turned out that the advice he was giving me I had actually been doing most of it, it just needed some tweaking.

I am the queen of creative accounting but when there’s nothing left to be creative with, now we’re talking magician status. And right now my hat is empty...there are no rabbits, no scarves, no birds to pull out.

I’ve been here before. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s not permanent. I’m thankful that the night doesn’t last that long, and morning always comes.

Maybe that’s the amazing part.

Long Walk

I have a goal, so I have started walking. My job has 18 buildings in one location so we call it a base or some say campus, the point is it's about 2 square miles.

Today, I walked a path from my building to another which is about 1.5 miles round trip, up a hill and back. I did it alone, I was supposed to walk with someone but we got our times crossed. I left my earphones at home, so I walked with nothing but the music that plays constantly in my head!

 

On my way back a truck pulls up alongside of me and dude says, 'there is a snake crossing the road up ahead!' In my head I screamed 'Motherfucker, why didn't you run it over?!?!?' WTF, are we running a snake preservation here?! So we both look in the direction he's pointing (THE DIRECTION I'M HEADED and have to go in order to get back to my office) I don't have my glasses on, so why the fuck am I looking anyway? I can't see further than 5 feet in front of me, so I said thank you because I would have been right up on him before I ever saw him. Dude said 'I didn't want you to see him and have a heart attack!' Well you got that shit right, cause I sure would have!

Dude: He's crossed over now. You're good.  So, for real, was there ever really a snake or did dude just wanna say something? I think there was, and if yes, WHAT NEXT?!?! I'm walking in the heat, sun so bright I need SPF 90, bees, wasps, deer and now snakes!

But I have a goal! So tomorrow it's another long walk.

Back Seat

Heart racing.
Hips gyrating.
Tongues playing.
Adjust.
Deeper.
Touch me here.
Yes.
Here I cum.
Satisfied.
Heart still racing.

Shut the Fuck Up

Females always wondering why...why this, why that? 9 times out of 10, the answer is Shut the Fuck Up!

1. Why don't I have a man? Cause you won't shut the fuck up! In my experience, all men don't talk alot, but when they do talk they want to know you're listening. How you gonna listen when you won't shut the fuck up?

2.  Why my man gotta go to the bar before he comes home? Cause you won't shut the fuck up! He knows as soon as he walks in the door, you gonna start with the bullshit, so he needs a drink first. It dulls his senses.

3. Why my kids so bad? Cause you won't shut the fuck up! Cause you won't, they won't. They're just doing what they see you doing. They may not do it at home (how can they when you're running your fucking mouth) but they are out somewhere acting just like you!

4. How come my life is a wreck? Cause you won't shut the fuck up! Speak life (positivity, not death - negativity) into your situation OR...wait for it...Shut the Fuck Up!

Check your situation...analyze what and how much you have to say...then, do or don't shut the fuck up, it's up to you! If you do, trust and believe, some of those things will turn around.

Where is the Love?

I think this is part of my 'bi-polarity'! I have not been diagnosed with it, but I woke up down. (lol at that phrase)

Anyway, this is so titled because I don't feel any. I don't feel fat or ugly, just unloved. I try to keep all the people in my life happy, and I feel like I'm coming up severely short! Everybody wants a little bit of something from me and I'm feeling like I'm a disappointment to all those people.

Unfortunately, not everybody's love is unconditional, not even my kids'. So when I come up short, so does the love.

that is all.

I'm an Artist...

and I'm sensitive about my shit!

so I've been told that I censor myself when I'm talking, but this is how I see it (and how you should see it too LOL) I'm a wordsmith...similar to the blacksmiths of old...words are my craft. real world job, hobby, side job, even games. i am in constant edit mode. on paper and in my head. i am always looking for the right word(s). why use 2 words when 1 will do?

there is another side to that specific conversation and i do/did edit myself because some people can't handle when others keep it real. That's why I'm here! so thanks.

I'm Chillin

How are you?
I'm chillin...
What's up?
I'm chillin...

Really? Do you need a blanket or a jacket or a cup of hot tea?!

I HATE THAT SHIT!

Welcome to My Mind

Allow me to re-introduce myself...my name is Hov, H to the O V...hahaha I'm just kidding. As you can see, I got jokes. I am a '70s child and for some time the tv and radio were my babysitter, so you should understand that in any given situation I may just blurt out a line from a movie or tv show or even a line from a song (like my opening line) 

I have a lot on my mind and this is the chosen place for me to relieve myself. It wasn't my idea, blame him or thank him, however you're feeling. I think I will thank him! (later and in person) I feel free-er already! I'm sure that's not a word, but this place is not for proofreading or editing. I may even say irregardless from time to time. Who's gonna check me?!?!?