Preacher Man

I’m really confused about this relationship. Here comes the naivete again. I believed that because we are NOT sleeping together, that it’s all good. Do I think he is over the top and sometimes over steps his bounds? Absolutely! But as it keeps being pointed out to me, he is a man (human), not flawless. What I decided a long time ago was to weigh some things out - am I willing to give up the Word of God that flows from this man because his jokes sometimes go too far? The blessings that have occurred in my life because I joined this church and am being taught by this man are evident to me. Could I be taught and grow somewhere else? I’m sure I can but I have work to do at this church and I don’t believe my time there is up yet. Just like in any relationship, I believe you must accept someone - flaws and all. You weigh out what you can and can’t deal with and go from there.

 

 

So, do I think he likes me a little too much? Sure I do. (Can you really blame him?) But my position has always been - that’s between him, his wife and God. As long as he doesn’t act on whatever feelings he may have, we’ll be cool. There is no reciprocity. I do not like him too much. I like him. If he wasn’t my pastor and we knew each other, he’d be a friend. We are close in age and have a few things in common but it would never be more than a friendship. The one thing that we have in common, that I think bonds us the most is our slick mouths. As my pastor, when he says to watch my mouth, I listen, but I don’t allow him to play the ‘Pastor’ card so he can win the argument.

That’s where it stops. You won’t find us riding in the car alone together or having secret meetings. Don’t be calling me late at night, etc. (Being his tenant sometimes made that difficult, but if you need to be here fixing something, bring your wife - he usually did) but if that wasn’t feasible, it’s your house, you fix what needs fixing and call me and I’ll come back or my kids are present, etc. One time he was there by himself on a Thursday evening and whatever he needed to fix he said he needed to go onto the roof thru my bedroom window. Oh no you don’t, not tonight. Come back Saturday with your wife and y’all can go wherever you need to go.

So that’s how I roll. But people are gonna believe what they want to believe.

I know my heart. God knows my heart. Ultimately, that’s all I can be concerned with. The truth always comes out.

And let me also add that he has never suggested anything unbecoming towards me. Yes, he is in my business, but I don’t believe he is only in MY business. But I allowed him to be in my business to the extent that he is. I joined this church while I was with Keith and I would hear every Sunday how I am better than what I’m dealing with. That this man doesn’t have the right to call me out of my name whenever he feels like it. Or ever for that matter. Different sermons that let me know God was speaking to and thru him because nobody knew these things about me. And because I’m always looking for Charles Ingalls - father/husband/protector/provider/confidant, when I left Keith I replaced him with my Pastor. He filled a few of those roles for me - father figure/protector (shepherd), provider (shepherd). I like to be in the presence of him and his wife. Their love for each other is evident to me and I soak up the way they act and react to each other. He calls wanting what they have ‘putting that in your hope chest’. Then I met Tiger and he replaced the Pastor. I believe the pastor recognized the changing of the guard and I still believe he wants the best for me. He has eased up on his constant need for communication. I asked about the lesser amount of texts, he said he eased up in case ‘him’ got my phone. That was a humorous truth. For my sake he didn’t want Tiger thinking there was something going on. Too late. But I appreciate that effort.

At this point, I guess I think of him as the brother I SHOULD have.

I think, as a businessman, he can sometimes be unethical. David was a murderer.

 

I can forgive. Lesson learned.

Tired

Forgiveness is for my own sake. I cannot be forgiven unless I forgive. And Lord knows I have plenty to be forgiven for, so it's in my best interest to forgive those who have done me wrong. Knowingly or unknowingly.

The Bible also talks about how to treat the man/woman of God. We are not to talk about, talk down, denigrate, or smear them. I say things to my confidante, but I'm still careful of what I say because God hears and knows all. I have, however, been hurt. And it hurts the most when you believe the person who hurt you had your best interest at heart. Then you begin to second-guess all of your prior decisions. Has every decision I've ever made been an 'emotional decision'? Do only women make emotional decisions or is it just me, and not even relegated to a gender thing. So when second-guessing yourself, how far do you go back?

I'm tired.

When I Wake Up

Jill Scott

 

Too much on my mind...

I have let you go, and everything I went thru was beautiful
maybe I right now can’t see the forest for the trees
So lost behind hurt but I’m trying everyday exponentially to move forward

 

 

do you know how it feels to be lost?
But when I wake up AND I WILL WAKE UP
everything I went thru will be beautiful
But I’m feeling like I’m in a nightmare
Fear of loving somebody everywhere
Oh Lord, I need this confirmation, this affirmation that when I wake up everything I went thru will be beautiful

Stay

It’s more than a command given to the dog.

My stay began almost two weeks ago. His stated goal was to make me feel comfortable. I was brought up to believe that if you are partaking of someone’s hospitality, you should not get comfortable because that could lead to you becoming complacent. In this case, it could lead to me not wanting to leave.

As far as I know, we have only had one issue, and even that was minor and quickly brought to a close. I asked if I could cook dinner, grilled steak. He said yes. I took a nap, woke up and started folding clothes. He came in and said that he started the grill and that the steaks were marinating. I got upset that he marinated the steaks. Petty, right? I just wanted to do it all for him, start to finish. He offered to put those steaks in the freezer and go buy new steaks. That seemed absurd to me. I don’t know if that was just a test, but I can’t imagine being that angry to suggest that he do something like that. Steak is not cheap. I even attempted to rinse off the steak. At that point I realized how ridiculous I was being and I began to consider what words to say to apologize. An apology was necessary. He was just being considerate, after all. He was upstairs and I don’t know what was going through his head, but I was downstairs, still forming my apology. He comes downstairs and apologizes to me! He’s not used to someone helping. I apologized for getting upset. It turns out we just wanted to help each other. We hugged and it was over. That lasted about 15 minutes (I told you it was minor). I can’t imagine being mad at him for longer than that. I definitely don’t ever want to go to bed mad at him.

Since then it has been lovely. Even his youngest is starting to like me. I’m wearing her down. I can tell.

I want to...

Lists

I’ve been through some things. Don’t hold that against me. I think at this stage in my life, I can fairly and honestly assess the things I am good at and the things I am not.

I can

* write well (proofread and maintain topic and flow)
* teach/coach (certain ages require more patience. Patience goes on the ‘Not Good At’ list)
* cook (I can follow a recipe or improvise)
* mix a drink (sort of like cooking, but with liquor)
* plan a party (any type)
* debate (reason and argue any point)
* fix minor things on a car (oil changes, tires, wipers, lights)
* carry a tune (sing - I’m no Patti or Whitney)
* judge a character

Before we get to the I can’t list, there should be some middle ground. Like I’m pretty good at keeping a kitchen clean, and I can clean a bathroom and wash clothes. Who can’t, but one person’s idea of a clean kitchen/bathroom can be quite different from another’s. I can juggle the books, but I have trouble balancing them (money).

So here’s the other list. We’ll call it the ‘Not Good At’ list because can’t really isn’t in my vocabulary.

I’m not good at

* balancing a budget (I’m not as bad as Congress but...)
* sharing my innermost feelings
* holding my tongue (I know this sounds contrary to the item before it, but they are different)
* not having an answer (I don’t know is not good enough. I need to find the answer)

Maybe I’ll have to revisit these lists in the future and add to them. I believe that your mate needs to be good at the things that you are not. Well, let me not speak so generally...my mate needs to be good at the things that I am not. He can be equal or better at the things I’m good at, hell...he could suck at all the things I’m good at and I wouldn’t hold it against him, but the things I’m not good at, SOMEBODY has to be good at them or it’ll be a disaster.