Test

Sometimes I wonder if everything is a test. And I don’t necessarily mean from God, but from God’s messenger. I truly believe my Pastor is a confidant. In the sense that he wants the best for me. The same news I shared with my ex, that made me know that he wasn’t for me, I shared with my pastor. He seemed more happy about the news than I was if that was possible. He shared it with his wife and the church leaders and was the first to offer up some money to help.

I know that he wants to see me grow as a leader, so now whenever something happens that is out of my comfort zone, I question whether it is a test. For example, he text me and said look into radio stations from the Trenton area to the Burlington area. I text back the name of a prominent AM station in the Trenton area and he said Cool, look into that one and BG has another station she’s checking out. I was surprised that it was a mass text BECAUSE he did not mention that this was a mass text and this could lead to duplication of efforts. I will do what you ask but I do not want to waste my time and call a station that someone else is calling. But whatever, he said that my station was different than BG’s, so I called and got the info.  The next day I text BG to ask what station she called, to compare rates, etc. She said she has not called any station yet but I can call her station for her. Well, on one hand I’m thankful because it turned out to be the same station and had she called it WOULD have been duplication of efforts, but she never bothered. So I asked, is this a test? Just a rhetorical question, asked only of myself. He knows me, he knows how I do things...you asked me to do something, I’m gonna try to do it right now or get it done as quickly as possible. Her, not so much. But it’s not even about her really. So the fact that this is bothering me at all is what leads me to my question.

It shouldn’t bother me. Maybe that's the test.

the Truth

(not to be confused with the TRUTH stored in a hideaway drawer)

Let me tell you why I love him

cause he is the truth
said he is so real
and I love the way that he makes me feel
and if I am a reflection of him
then I must be fly
because his light it shines so bright I wouldn’t lie

I remember the very first day that I saw him
I found myself immediately intrigued by him

 its not hard for me to understand him cause hes so much like me
and its truly my pleasure to share his company
and I know that its God’s gift to breathe the air he breathes

I love the way he speaks
I love the way he thinks

I love him in every way that a woman can love a man
from personal to universal but most of all its unconditional
that’s the way I feel

there ain’t no substitute for the truth
either it is or it isn’t

and you know the truth by the way it feels


lyrics by India Arie

Captain Sav'em

Being a Captain Sav’em (CS) is a disorder.  It’s about control. Disguised as a Knight in Shining Armor, CS looks for women who need ‘saving/rescuing’.  They come to the rescue with grand gestures and slowly gain control until the woman is a dependent instead of a partner. CS then becomes a parent to a grown woman. 

I didn’t even see it happening.  My CS was slow and methodical. (For example, ‘baby, you don’t need to pay a cell phone bill, I’ll just put you on my plan’ - thereby gaining access to my call/text log which proved to be a problem later. I wound up having to justify all my calls. God forbid someone on my ‘approved’ list changed their number...I would need a signed letter from the Governor. Control.)

He made me feel like he thought he was the luckiest man alive because he was with me and whatever he had to do to keep me happy he would do. I told him what I wanted from the beginning...a husband, who would be the head of the household, who I could submit to and be a partner with. He was cool with what I wanted, so I did. Submit. I held up to my end of the ‘agreement’ but he didn’t. How could he, he was already married. So I waited and waited. And there was drama and more drama. There were good times intertwined but at the end I had to ask myself why I was committed to working through the drama when we obviously didn’t want the same things. (His being cool with what I wanted didn’t equate to him actually wanting the same).

We had a habit of breaking up and getting back together...remember I said drama. So much so that when I told my girlfriend that we were broken up, it was 4 months before she really believed me. The doorway back together was always the phone. He would say, do you want to keep the phone, I would say yes and a week later he would call with the drama of who you calling, which would lead to why do you care who I’m calling, and so on and so forth. In hindsight, these breakups were probably his opportunity to step out with no guilty conscience, if he even has a conscience. And it was always him breaking up with me. (One such fight was through Facebook messages - I kept it as a reminder of what I went through...some HS friends were getting together and I posted that I wasn’t doing anything on Saturday and was free to meet up with everybody. Well, he flipped out...said that I was telling all my business to all these men like a whore. There were a few dudes involved in the group but I certainly wasn’t meeting just men. Anyway, that breakup lasted about 2 weeks.) The final breakup was my idea and he asked me did I want to keep the phone. I said yes, but 5 days later I got my own contract. That let him know that it was final. I heard from him 2 months later when he texted me that I was a fucking hypocritical whore. That was actually ‘whore’ #4. I told him at #1, I ain’t gonna be too many more whores. This last time I didn’t respond.

We were Facebook friends until Christmas 2010. No communication but I would go past his page every so often to see if my pictures were still up. Around that time I began rekindling an old friendship and thought it best to leave CS where? Back there!

I’m sure he’s saving someone else now.

Out of the Mist

Metaphorically speaking...the mist being my life which was foggy and blurry. I could only see a few feet in front of me, and then you appeared.

‘You have bewitched me body and soul and I love, love, love you.’

I can see clearly now, Mr. Darcy.

Trust

trust n. 1. firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing; confident belief; faith

integrity - rigid adherence to a code of behavior; soundness

trust   faith   confidence   reliance   dependence

These nouns refer to a feeling that a person or thing will not fail in performance.  Trust implies depth and assurance of such feeling, which may not always be supported by proof.  When acceptance of someone or something is unquestioning and emotionally charged, faith is the more appropriate term.  Confidence suggests less intensity of feeling but, frequently, good evidence for being sure.  Reliance implies a decision to commit oneself to another and to accept the consequences in case of failure; with dependence the commitment is not a free choice.

I trust my man. He has integrity (he is a rule follower), ability (he is super smart and makes things happen), and he has very good character (a combination of moral and ethical strength).  I don’t give it up easily...(my trust! Get your mind out of the gutter) but I have learned how to tell if someone is ‘for’ me, and he is.  My faith is in God and because of that faith and the knowledge that we are humans and fallible, I can rely on him.  As Cee-lo Green said, ‘any mistakes he makes, I just may forgive’ and I hope the same is true for him, but that is the chance I have allowed myself to take. I love him in and out, up and down, and round and round (more Cee-lo Green) hahaha.

That trust is not for everybody. Some people I’ve known most of my life cannot get that from me. I have been fooled before. I thought that someone that was against what I was against was actually for me, but that was before I learned how to tell the difference.

Trust me, I know the difference now...

You Got Indian in You?

I am not a jealous chick. And I damn sure won’t build on someone else’s insecurities, I have enough of my own. But I have a God-given gift of discernment.  I can tell what someone’s intentions are, usually, if I’m working my gift.

I do not use Cliff’s Notes when it comes to people. I will read a book for myself.

That being said, the Cliff’s Notes out on this particular chick say she can sniff out a dick from 3 miles away and she’s not discriminatory.  But my grandmama raised me right, she instructed me in my Indian ancestry...I hail from the Slap-a-Hoe tribe! There are only a few of us left.

I will judge for myself.

Mommy Dearest

No, I was not beat with wire hangers nor was I left at the dinner table for hours upon hours.  Any lingering scars from that relationship are emotional only.  And there comes a point in your life where you have to forgive, for your own sake, and move on. I don’t mean for you to make room for that person to continue to abuse you, that is not exercising wisdom. I do mean for you to put the past hurts where? Back there! Leave them where they are, in the past.

Confidant - someone who is for you. They are happy for your successes and seek to help with your failures.

Constituent - someone who is for what you are for.

Comrade - someone who is against what you are against

So by these brief definitions, you would think that a mother inherently falls into the Confidant category. Unfortunately, not always the case.  Mine was more concerned with the mechanics. We were fed, clothed and sheltered. We even got to do extra-curricular activities. I did tap and ballet. I played the flute. I played soccer from 7 to 15. I played one year of basketball. I was in Brownies, then Girl Scouts. I had a bike and plenty of barbies. I had a tv in my room at age 9. But if you had asked me at age 7, would you rather have your barbies or be up under your mother, I would have asked if I could bring my barbies to be up under my mother with me. LOL Seriously, up under (and that is her term because she used to always say - get from up under me) is where I wanted to be.

My crying got on her nerves, but my brother would make me cry. He would beat me up or tease me, sometimes she would join him in the teasing...my weight was always good for the two of them to laugh about, and if we were at a cousin’s house then my brother would lead the others in teasing me. I would escape in a book. I remember my favorite book was Harriet the Spy and I got a notebook and made it my journal and I would sneak around the neighborhood looking through people’s windows and make up stories about their lives (that’s what Harriet did in the book) And by the time I was 15 and had my own friends, I no longer wanted any part of her. At that point she tried to act hurt when I wouldn’t talk to her or confide in her. She took me to the doctor and I would exercise my right to NOT have her in the room and I wouldn’t tell her shit about the visit.

Even though my brother used to torture me, he was the sun, the moon and the stars in my eyes. And when he left for college and left me alone with her and my sometimes Daddy, it was the ultimate betrayal. The only solace was he would let me come visit him at Penn State. A 14 yr old that looks 17 loose on a college campus (that’s a whole ‘nother post)

Anyway, she was never a confidant. I couldn’t/can’t share my dreams with her, even now. But I love her regardless. It’s cool, now I have my own children that I have to break the cycle for (I say cycle because my grandmother treated my mother the same way) And it IS a vicious cycle. I have to consciously work to be different and sometimes it does get away from me. I have one child that even my best attempts are met with hostility. But I press on!

They won’t call me Mommy Dearest!

Alright

Ledisi

I can’t wait to see your face, I need a smile and your embrace

 In the morning when I see the sun, I know I’m not the only one...

People come and they go, that’s just the way that it goes

Everything is everything, it’s gonna be alright

Life can make us feel bad, but don’t give up

Hold on...hold on

Divorce

I've never been married, so I've never been divorced. I just know what I've seen. Doesn't mean what I've seen was right or even normal, it just was what it was.

My parents were divorced for 17 years. When I was 6, my father moved out and I guess the paperwork was pretty straight forward. No long drawn out process, my mother just started saying to whomever was interested - 'I'm divorced".

But did that piece of paper sever all the feelings of the previous 12 years? Not in my parents' case, and how could it? This person you professed to love forever in front of God, family and friends...and a piece of paper is supposed to annul those feelings?  Again, not in my parents' case.  17 years later, I was present for their 2nd marriage, to each other.

Those 17 years were something else too, let me tell you!  I believe it was the visitation agreement that got my father back in the door. He lived in NY, so she allowed him to have visitation at our house. Some visitations: he'd arrive, usually in the middle of the night, and my brother and I wouldn't see much of him. He'd make his way to the kitchen to make a few meals, but then he'd head right back to the bedroom.

It went on this way for about 17 years. There were boyfriends and girlfriends along the way, but noone could withstand the competition nor the interference in which both of them engaged each other. She would let him move back in for a few weeks, sometimes months at a time, but then something would happen and he'd be gone again. When my mother would get another boyfriend, my dad would pop up and a fight would ensue, sometimes with the other dude, but mostly with my mom.

Is divorce ever truly final? Especially if you have kids together? Does one person always carry a torch or question whether there was something they could have done to avoid where they are now? I was in a relationship and he called me his ex's name. It wasn't in anger either. We were just doing laundry and he said, 'Nicky, get me the detergent' Well, my name is not Nicky. I didn't make it a big deal. I actually didn't say anything. Maybe I should have, I don't know. I just thought that if he was thinking about her during the mundane task of laundry, how often does he think about her. We're not together anymore, and I have no idea if they are back together. I do know that she regretted their relationship ending and she would write him letters and send cards, etc.

My parents are separated now, they have been married now for almost 17 years, but I couldn't even tell you how much of that was 'happily'. Divorce is now in their vocabulary again.

Holding Hands

a show of affection. I like to hold his hand. It shows a connection. Such a lovely gesture, a kind of statement of unity. And it feels good to be able to touch him in public, knowing where those hands have been in private.

 

Is It Good to Ya

Is it good to you? I like it...
Is it good to you? Ooh I like it...

I like aural sex. I like oral sex. Giving as much as receiving. I've heard that a lot of women say that, that they like to give head. In a discussion with a male friend who was on the verge of divorce, he said that his future ex hooked him by saying that. But was there evidence? I suggested that the woman who you have to tap on the shoulder, or head, and tell her to stop, that's the woman that loves to give head. But I will stop if I can't tell that my man is enjoying it. Aural. Since I'm not looking at him (I'm focused, man!) I need to hear him. The squirt in the eye is not enough proof. Ha! It doesn't matter what opening he has entered, I like to know everything...what it feels like, tastes like, you name it. A groan, a moan, grab my head, grab anything!

I used to think maybe I should've been a man. Not because of my preference, because I definitely love men, but my sex drive has always been extremely high. I assume my testosterone level is high. In Utopia, I would do it every day, a couple times a day. i don't love it enough to make it my job LOL but I do love it.

Amazing

I definitely don’t feel amazing. I feel like a failure. Feelings aren’t facts. I know I can’t get blood from a turnip and every other cliche out there for getting something out of nothing, but that doesn’t change how I feel. It’s been drilled into me for 30 years that I need to be self sufficient and that asking for help is a sign of weakness. Anytime my mother had to ask someone for help it was done in secret and anytime I needed help I was made to feel ashamed.

I’m actually learning that it’s a fool that won’t ask for help, (good old Proverbs) but is it foolish to try to exhaust all avenues before you ask for help? Robbing Peter to pay Paul...where did that saying even come from? The point is if there is not enough in the pot, no matter how you spread it around something will come up short, like a blanket that is shorter than the person trying to cover themselves. No matter which way you pull it, there will be something exposed.

It’s only been in the last couple of years that I have had anyone teach me money management. My Pastor sat down with me, with my pay stubs and a list of my bills and helped me make a budget. It turned out that the advice he was giving me I had actually been doing most of it, it just needed some tweaking.

I am the queen of creative accounting but when there’s nothing left to be creative with, now we’re talking magician status. And right now my hat is empty...there are no rabbits, no scarves, no birds to pull out.

I’ve been here before. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s not permanent. I’m thankful that the night doesn’t last that long, and morning always comes.

Maybe that’s the amazing part.