Amazing

I definitely don’t feel amazing. I feel like a failure. Feelings aren’t facts. I know I can’t get blood from a turnip and every other cliche out there for getting something out of nothing, but that doesn’t change how I feel. It’s been drilled into me for 30 years that I need to be self sufficient and that asking for help is a sign of weakness. Anytime my mother had to ask someone for help it was done in secret and anytime I needed help I was made to feel ashamed.

I’m actually learning that it’s a fool that won’t ask for help, (good old Proverbs) but is it foolish to try to exhaust all avenues before you ask for help? Robbing Peter to pay Paul...where did that saying even come from? The point is if there is not enough in the pot, no matter how you spread it around something will come up short, like a blanket that is shorter than the person trying to cover themselves. No matter which way you pull it, there will be something exposed.

It’s only been in the last couple of years that I have had anyone teach me money management. My Pastor sat down with me, with my pay stubs and a list of my bills and helped me make a budget. It turned out that the advice he was giving me I had actually been doing most of it, it just needed some tweaking.

I am the queen of creative accounting but when there’s nothing left to be creative with, now we’re talking magician status. And right now my hat is empty...there are no rabbits, no scarves, no birds to pull out.

I’ve been here before. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s not permanent. I’m thankful that the night doesn’t last that long, and morning always comes.

Maybe that’s the amazing part.