Confidant - someone who is for you. They are happy for your successes and seek to help with your failures.
Constituent - someone who is for what you are for.
Comrade - someone who is against what you are against
So by these brief definitions, you would think that a mother inherently falls into the Confidant category. Unfortunately, not always the case. Mine was more concerned with the mechanics. We were fed, clothed and sheltered. We even got to do extra-curricular activities. I did tap and ballet. I played the flute. I played soccer from 7 to 15. I played one year of basketball. I was in Brownies, then Girl Scouts. I had a bike and plenty of barbies. I had a tv in my room at age 9. But if you had asked me at age 7, would you rather have your barbies or be up under your mother, I would have asked if I could bring my barbies to be up under my mother with me. LOL Seriously, up under (and that is her term because she used to always say - get from up under me) is where I wanted to be.
My crying got on her nerves, but my brother would make me cry. He would beat me up or tease me, sometimes she would join him in the teasing...my weight was always good for the two of them to laugh about, and if we were at a cousin’s house then my brother would lead the others in teasing me. I would escape in a book. I remember my favorite book was Harriet the Spy and I got a notebook and made it my journal and I would sneak around the neighborhood looking through people’s windows and make up stories about their lives (that’s what Harriet did in the book) And by the time I was 15 and had my own friends, I no longer wanted any part of her. At that point she tried to act hurt when I wouldn’t talk to her or confide in her. She took me to the doctor and I would exercise my right to NOT have her in the room and I wouldn’t tell her shit about the visit.
Even though my brother used to torture me, he was the sun, the moon and the stars in my eyes. And when he left for college and left me alone with her and my sometimes Daddy, it was the ultimate betrayal. The only solace was he would let me come visit him at Penn State. A 14 yr old that looks 17 loose on a college campus (that’s a whole ‘nother post)
Anyway, she was never a confidant. I couldn’t/can’t share my dreams with her, even now. But I love her regardless. It’s cool, now I have my own children that I have to break the cycle for (I say cycle because my grandmother treated my mother the same way) And it IS a vicious cycle. I have to consciously work to be different and sometimes it does get away from me. I have one child that even my best attempts are met with hostility. But I press on!
They won’t call me Mommy Dearest!
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